He had a way of always pushing, always showing that he had some element of control over her, the upper hand as his hand cupped hers, leaving her lap sometimes to change gears, hundreds of miles per hour down the interstate, hurting into fog. She hated the way he always stroked her hand with his thumb, the friction making her skin hot, making her recoil until he would ask what was wrong, and she would always say ‘nothing’ and smile or say nothing and kiss him, as he was over her in the dark as he was always insisting that she should let go let go let go of the things that held her back from him as she arched her back to keep their hearts from beating next to one another as she rolled her eyes back to look at the ceiling instead of his face as it came in close to hers, his crooked teeth biting hard on her ears and his breath echoing, her mind was far away far away from his closeness and his insistence and the way that he could have held her there no matter how hard she tried but she couldn’t love him no matter how hard she tried, it was all by force it was all by the way that bodies fall together into sheets after that much wine how pearls and bow ties and belts tangle when ripped off in anger how it feels when two people hate each other with the same force that they put into lovemaking with the same force that they put into forgetting with the same force that will eventually repel them but leave them wondering whose fault it was and she always thought she had done something wrong, that his prying hands and the way that his smile made her freeze and apologize for things she hadn’t done and the way that he made her cry in the softest ways and the way that he made her yell and he made her keep coming back and he challenged her, that was the main thing, he made it all very hard to fight and he made it all very hard to forget, because sometimes looking back she would rename all the feelings and she would find herself longing for the wetness from his lips tracing paths across her chest she would find herself longing for the long nights when he wouldn’t accept that she actually was tired, that she actually did just want to fall asleep and god damn if he was going to have his arm around her waist she would prefer he didn’t dig his fingers into her ribs, that he wouldn’t be always pushing and always prodding to be inside her body, always asking to touch her heart and her veins and her mind and he would have torn her apart if she hadn’t run if she hadn’t given up on making whole the pieces if she hadn’t realized that the repulsion she felt every time his tongue flicked across his lips and he shifted towards her with his head falling onto her chest and his hard body writhing against her in always cold rooms and his hard body falling against her and always that let let let go and she’d start to regret it before it even started and she’d be mentally getting out of bed before he even starting kissing her, she’d be brushing her teeth and washing her hair and looking at the scratches on her back in the mirror hoping they’d fade before bruising and she’d check and check herself for signs of the deed and no matter how much steam hit her body and how much of the past she washed off she knew she’d go back to let him ruin her again and she knew she’d let it happen endlessly even if she resolved that it wouldn’t and she knew it because it always happens that way, with men like him, it always happened that he got what he wanted and she let him
The Mind of Rueberry: "A Time Of Rendering"
Had I never dreamed you, then the world would
have been a different place, not as interesting,
a bit dimmer in shade, less precious.
Had we never met, I would have dreamed you
How beautiful, and passionate, and enchanting,
you are.
Had I never loved you, I would not know
(Source: the mind of rueberry, via jaeid)
- band member: hi how are you?
- me: hey so we finally meet i've been waiting for this moment forever and ever do you feel the love in the air? because i do we're totally meant to be i knew it from the first time i laid my eyes on you i was thinking for our wedding we go to paris and get married when the sun is setting we should have five beautiful children don't worry i already have their names picked out lol and when we send them off to college we can buy ourselves a nice beach house and we can grow old together and own a couple of bunnies because i know you're allergic to cats and you're afraid of dogs and we can sit on rocking chairs and drink lemonade together.
- band member: what?
- me: i said can you sign my cd please.
- band member: no i think you said-
- me: cd.
- band member: but-
- me: please.
